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Children who say no when you when you want them to say yes: failsafe discipline strategies for stubbo - When a Child Says No - The Natural Child Project


Toddlers and 2-year-olds are learning to think . They have opinions and ideas. They want to do things their own way. They have learned how to say no, and they can physically resist what they don't want. But they are still too young to understand how their actions affect others, to see danger, and to think before they act.

It is important for children to become independent. We want them to grow up to follow their own ideas . But we must keep children safe. We also must teach them to consider the needs of others, to mind parents about important things, and to say no in acceptable ways.

Children can resist in different ways. As your child becomes more independent, she or he may say no by doing any or all of these things:

Toddlers and 2-year-olds are learning to think . They have opinions and ideas. They want to do things their own way. They have learned how to say no, and they can physically resist what they don't want. But they are still too young to understand how their actions affect others, to see danger, and to think before they act.

It is important for children to become independent. We want them to grow up to follow their own ideas . But we must keep children safe. We also must teach them to consider the needs of others, to mind parents about important things, and to say no in acceptable ways.

Children can resist in different ways. As your child becomes more independent, she or he may say no by doing any or all of these things:

Thus began a recent conversation with a mom who called and asked how to keep a good balance between volunteer activities and family responsibilities. As mothers at home, it is not work and family we need to keep in balance. After all, our family is our work! For many of us the issue is balancing volunteer positions (church, community and school) with our family responsibilities. Some of us figure a home-based business or part-time job into our schedule too. We can easily put ourselves back in the position of working full time, outside-the-home hours without bringing home the pay. We must learn to use the word no effectively.

To keep a balance between mothering and helping others outside your home, here are some guidelines for learning to say no.

1. Keep in mind that you alone know what is best for you and your family . With many mothers working outside the home, there are fewer school, church and community volunteers available during the day. Therefore, you are likely to be asked more often, simply because you are perceived to be more available. Remember, even with church activities, that our families are our first ministry.

It can be very frustrating to be the parent of a child who is resistant to our guidance and direction. Occasional resistance is normal and healthy, but it can sometimes get out of control. Like so many other dynamics, our reactions to resistance can actually make things worse and cause greater frustration both for our children and for ourselves. It is my goal in this article to help you better understand where most resistance actually originates so that you are able to transform this dynamic in a positive way in your home.

The best way to explain what resistance is may be to explain what it isn’t. Often when parents see the behaviors that Carl and Mary experienced in this case, they think their child is being “strong willed” or trying to manipulate them. This behavior has very little to do with either. Most often, resistance is an instinct and an indication that something is wrong. We call this kind of resistance counterwill.

Counterwill is a word first coined by Austrian psychoanalyst Otto Rank. He explained that counterwill is what happens when you perceive someone else is trying to coerce you into doing something. This is different from will, which concerns doing what is necessary to achieve your goals. When we talk about a child being “strong-willed”, we usually mean that we are experiencing counterwill.

There’s something about children that tugs at our heartstrings and makes us want to keep them safe and protect them from heartbreaks of any kind. That’s why we feel upset and sad when we see their big eyes fill with tears and their tiny faces scrunched with anger when we refuse them something they want.

How often have you shopped with your little one and found the experience nightmarish because your child wants everything he/she sets eyes on?

My niece does this, and it gets pretty embarrassing when she throws herself down on the floor and bawls her heart out when her mom refuses to buy her something. But no matter how hard the tears flow, no matter how long the tantrum continues, it’s not good to give in to the whims of your young one. Besides the fact that you cannot afford to buy them all that they ask, it sets a bad precedent if they learn that they can manipulate you with just a few tears and tantrums. If you face similar problems with your child, here’s how you could try to convince your child to behave better:

Toddlers and 2-year-olds are learning to think . They have opinions and ideas. They want to do things their own way. They have learned how to say no, and they can physically resist what they don't want. But they are still too young to understand how their actions affect others, to see danger, and to think before they act.

It is important for children to become independent. We want them to grow up to follow their own ideas . But we must keep children safe. We also must teach them to consider the needs of others, to mind parents about important things, and to say no in acceptable ways.

Children can resist in different ways. As your child becomes more independent, she or he may say no by doing any or all of these things:

Thus began a recent conversation with a mom who called and asked how to keep a good balance between volunteer activities and family responsibilities. As mothers at home, it is not work and family we need to keep in balance. After all, our family is our work! For many of us the issue is balancing volunteer positions (church, community and school) with our family responsibilities. Some of us figure a home-based business or part-time job into our schedule too. We can easily put ourselves back in the position of working full time, outside-the-home hours without bringing home the pay. We must learn to use the word no effectively.

To keep a balance between mothering and helping others outside your home, here are some guidelines for learning to say no.

1. Keep in mind that you alone know what is best for you and your family . With many mothers working outside the home, there are fewer school, church and community volunteers available during the day. Therefore, you are likely to be asked more often, simply because you are perceived to be more available. Remember, even with church activities, that our families are our first ministry.

It can be very frustrating to be the parent of a child who is resistant to our guidance and direction. Occasional resistance is normal and healthy, but it can sometimes get out of control. Like so many other dynamics, our reactions to resistance can actually make things worse and cause greater frustration both for our children and for ourselves. It is my goal in this article to help you better understand where most resistance actually originates so that you are able to transform this dynamic in a positive way in your home.

The best way to explain what resistance is may be to explain what it isn’t. Often when parents see the behaviors that Carl and Mary experienced in this case, they think their child is being “strong willed” or trying to manipulate them. This behavior has very little to do with either. Most often, resistance is an instinct and an indication that something is wrong. We call this kind of resistance counterwill.

Counterwill is a word first coined by Austrian psychoanalyst Otto Rank. He explained that counterwill is what happens when you perceive someone else is trying to coerce you into doing something. This is different from will, which concerns doing what is necessary to achieve your goals. When we talk about a child being “strong-willed”, we usually mean that we are experiencing counterwill.

Toddlers and 2-year-olds are learning to think . They have opinions and ideas. They want to do things their own way. They have learned how to say no, and they can physically resist what they don't want. But they are still too young to understand how their actions affect others, to see danger, and to think before they act.

It is important for children to become independent. We want them to grow up to follow their own ideas . But we must keep children safe. We also must teach them to consider the needs of others, to mind parents about important things, and to say no in acceptable ways.

Children can resist in different ways. As your child becomes more independent, she or he may say no by doing any or all of these things:

Thus began a recent conversation with a mom who called and asked how to keep a good balance between volunteer activities and family responsibilities. As mothers at home, it is not work and family we need to keep in balance. After all, our family is our work! For many of us the issue is balancing volunteer positions (church, community and school) with our family responsibilities. Some of us figure a home-based business or part-time job into our schedule too. We can easily put ourselves back in the position of working full time, outside-the-home hours without bringing home the pay. We must learn to use the word no effectively.

To keep a balance between mothering and helping others outside your home, here are some guidelines for learning to say no.

1. Keep in mind that you alone know what is best for you and your family . With many mothers working outside the home, there are fewer school, church and community volunteers available during the day. Therefore, you are likely to be asked more often, simply because you are perceived to be more available. Remember, even with church activities, that our families are our first ministry.




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